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Finally, a book for guys that solves the riddles of pregnancy.

Do you think that newborn babies can eat Doritos? That they can't scream very loudly since they just have tiny little baby lungs? That you will still be able to golf on weekends after your baby is born?

If so, you need this book!

BREATHE takes guys misstep-by-misstep through the stages of pregnancy and the early days of childhood. Considered by many to be the unofficial pregnancy handbook of the NBA, Breathe is filled with useful tips such as these:

Brown's First Law of Conception: The odds of conception are inversely proportional to its desirability. High school virgins experimenting behind bleachers are guaranteed to get pregnant if your sperm volume is strong enought; financially secure married men hoping for children are doomed to spend their weekends in fertility clinics masturbating into cups.

Picking a doctor: Never use a gynecologist whose Medical School Diploma has palm trees on the side.

Pre-Natal Music: Mozart, yes. Wagner, No!

Common Concerns: If your baby is born with dark hair that covers its head, back, neck, temples and forehead, don't panic. This is perfectly normal. It just means your baby was born Italian.

Child experts from all over the world agree -- if you're a first time father, drop your baby and pick up this book!


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New Message Board and Contest!
Share your funniest pregnancy story on our new message board and earn a chance to win a free copy of BREATHE!


Part 1 of the Fatherhood Aptitude Test is available now!!!
Are you ready to become a Dad? Click here to find out!

Breathe is available for ordering!
BREATHE has started to hit the bookshelves, and is also available on Amazon.com! Order today!









About the Author

Mason Brown is a managing editor at NationalLampoon.com, whose primary responsibility is to inform incredulous callers that National Lampoon still actually exists, at least as a website. He is also the author of the best-selling business humor book "Who Cut the Cheese?"

Mason has a three-year-old son, "The Boy," and a one-year-old daughter, "The Girl." Much to his dismay, his wife Karen insists on calling them John and Alison. She also insists on nurturing them with love rather than relying on her husband's expert child-rearing advice to "mold them on the wheel of pain."

Now that Mason has both a boy and a girl, thus "completing the set," he plans to stop having babies. But he hopes to continue "trying" to have more.


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